On a recent Sunday afternoon, I was relaxing with my mother (coffee and newspaper nearby) on my balcony. I had a dash of inspiration, grabbed a notepad, and started writing. I started asking her a few questions; as she replied, more popped into my head. This post is the result. This is her, her words, her thoughts. Unabridged. (The italics and bold are my words.)
What advice would you give to your thirty year old self?
Run from Andy, do not marry Andy.
What about your already married self?
Get a divorce, the sooner, the better. In other words, don’t stay in a bad marriage.
When did you realize that you had made a mistake?
The day of the wedding. I didn't feel like there were any other options available. I felt pressured. Even by the Christian pastor there. (I wanted to) wait for my (ex) husband to get back. I wanted to wait, and the pastor said I couldn't because he was defiled by other women. So, I was manipulated all my life.
Is it, even if you know you’re being manipulated? Do you choose to be manipulated?
You always have a choice. You’re not always strong enough to resist manipulation. Maybe if I went back I would be stronger to resist manipulation. Maybe it was my childhood that caused me to be weak and have a bad perspective on men. I still don’t know if I ever met a good one.
Are you saying you've never met a good man?
I've actually met at least one – a friend.
That’s all?
At least one, maybe two.
Do you think maybe your standards are too unreachable, too unattainable?
Standards for a good man?
Yes.
I think that when I first started looking, after the divorce, my standards were extremely high. However, even against the advice of many people currently, I am considering someone who has absolutely no money, who has some bad habits that I don’t like. Clutter is one. But, I’ve never lived with him, so I don’t know. But he keeps all his old clothes and clutter. But I feel the good outweighs the bad. So in other words, my expectations have gone way down.
I wanted to leave the USA so I could get out of the public eye, and here you are doing this.
Guillermo will make you happy?
It’s already made me happy to be with him. Why? Because he didn't mind when I didn't wear makeup and looked horrible. He doesn't mind being with me in public, or showing affection in public. He’s offered to shop and cook for me. He loves to have fun and go out and drink and dance. He likes to party and is willing to learn Latin dance. I should have gotten to know him a little better this last year. His mom doesn't mind me. I don’t know her that well either.
Is Guillermo the great love of your life?
Time will tell. (A long sigh; she stared into the distance.)
What are your favorite hobbies?
Drinking and dancing. Hanging out at the beach.
What advice would you share with the world?
How can I give advice when my life’s such a mess? I have enjoyed my life recently because I've been adventurous and unafraid to experience new places and cultures. I've lived one of my dreams - island living.
Why do you think your life is such a mess?
Because I made bad choices. I can’t blame anybody else. And yet, maybe I can blame God? Because I thought I was following God’s direction at times, and when it seemed like things didn't work out at all. But maybe things will still work out.
I don’t think your life is a mess. Think about all the positive things that have happened.
Well, my last big dream didn't come true yet. Twenty-five years of marriage, eight years single. Wanting to be with a man who loved me, and a man I loved, and it hasn't happened yet, and that’s why it’s a mess.
Do you expect to be magically happy when you find a man?
You can’t expect a man to be your god, and that’s what I've done, very much, and it causes tremendous emotional stress. Even caused me to cut my wrists at one time. Never felt that with your dad, because I never loved him. That was one safe thing about that relationship – I didn't get addicted to him. It’s better to find somebody who loves you more than you love them.
If you never loved him, why did you stay?
I stayed basically for my children. I thought it would help them, but it didn't.
Do you feel regret about that, or resentment?
I don’t feel resentment, and I don’t live in the past, so I don’t feel regret.
Tell me the positive things in your life.
Every time a baby was born, that was a blessing.
Four children.
Four grandchildren.
Living on all the islands; living on Hawaii for ten years, and all the other islands in recent years.
Love from my first husband.
Health, and perfect health through Jesus Christ, for many years, not even colds.
Strength.
Latin music and dancing.
Corn Island, for its beauty and awesome people.
Beaches, everywhere, including the Platte River and Loup River in Nebraska.
Big churches, like World Harvest; worship.
I’ve been able to travel lately, seeing you, shopping.
Four books published.
What are your future plans and goals?
I was thinking this morning that I’m ready to die. (She said this with a genuine smile and I laughed at the absurdity.) I wouldn't mind. I just don’t see that there’s much to live for in this life.
You’re finished?
Not the first time. I thought it recently. I’m done, but God’s not done with me, so I’m still here.
It’s better to go now because I’m not old. I can last a couple more years, if it will work out with Guillermo.
When I leave, I will dance out of the world, or be raptured.
Why did you decide to homeschool your kids?
One, I loved them too much to let them out of my sight. (Must have been part of my love addiction - I didn't want to be separated from you.) Two, I didn't want them to be influenced by the evil world.
Do you feel you were a successful homeschool mother?
I am very happy that all of my children are responsible adults and take care of themselves.
Did you play a part in their success?
I think… I don’t know, did I? I think that partly my daughters are more responsible because they had responsibilities from a young age. I am sorry I did not have more time to give to each child individually because I had four (close together) in a row. However, I do not think that homeschooling hurt any of them.
Do you think that your children were truly educated?
Well, considering one of my daughters graduated high school at sixteen, after studying college-level subjects, and graduated Bible College Magna Cum Laude, I can’t say homeschooling did not educate. And, I have another daughter who is successful in her work, and writes this awesome blog, and reads millions of books, how can it have been a mistake?
My sons have also been successful at early ages at everything they have done.
Another basic thing that makes me happy about my children is that three are in stable marriages.
So, how can homeschooling be wrong?
Your Magna Cum Laude daughter - you'll remember she did all of her studies on her own.
But if she would have been in school, she wouldn't have had the time and opportunity to self-educate.
Do you think your kids are successful in spite of you?
Yes, of course. They would say that too.
Would you do it again?
No, I’d never do it again. I’d never even have children. So, we are alike. I definitely don’t want any now.
At this point, I paused, to tell my mother I’d never change anything about my childhood. The path where her parenting led me, although extremely painful, created me. I don’t want to be anyone else.
Do you have anything else to add about your children’s childhood?
I wish I would have been in a good marriage for them. Because I think it would have made a lot of difference. A lot of difference in the end result - in the relationships I have or don’t have with them now.
She laughs, saying, Do you want a drink? Yeah, I want a drink!
Do you want to talk about Grandma?
I loved her like a child should love a mother. She wasn't perfect, but she was perfect for me. She was my mother, I respected her, honored her, and was very blessed by her life. And I suppose I don’t measure up to her example as a mom.
Do you think you are like her?
In some ways, I am finally like her. Especially since my divorce. I am more optimistic and fun-loving.
Any last words of wisdom, or advice?
My advice is marry your first love at a young age and live happily ever after. And one thing I’ve learned is to stay in the now.
I’ve never been interviewed like that before. You really dug into my life. You’re good.
If you could sum up your life in one sentence, what would it be?
She lived her life.
She emailed me her final thoughts after she returned to Nicaragua: It’s all about Jesus. Connecting to Him. Nothing else matters. This life, no matter how beautiful, fades into grays compared to His love and the beauties of eternity with Him. I thank Him for holding me all these years even when I thought I was completely alone and that no one cared.
August 10th, 2014, Apex, North Carolina
